uepixie: Ueda and Masami - MousePeace2010 (*penguin ♥)
[personal profile] uepixie
I was going to filter this entry... I even made a special filter for it! Most of the people whom I regularly talk to/comment with were on it anyway, so I thought 'why filter at all?' And then, by the time I finished writing it I realised that it's not even something I feel the need to friends-lock, either.

That said, you don't have to click the cut, obviously! I don't need you to read this in order to validate my existence ;D I just want this written, that's all. ♥

I think of myself as two different people. No, not in the multiple-personality way or anything like that! I mean, 'old-me' and 'new-me'. Whether or not anyone else noticed the difference between old-me and new-me is neither here nor there, but for me as I am right now? Sitting outside Kent & Canterbury Hospital at 3:45am on the morning of August 17th 2008, that's the exact moment when old-me got up and walked down the alleyway, away from the hospital. As far as I'm concerned, I've not been her since.

Old-me, to clarify, was an emo little whiner. To be fair, she had legitimate reasons to be emo, but she surrounded herself with people of a similar mindset (for the most part) who did nothing to dissuade her of the notion that it was perfectly okay to bitch about her shitty life and 'everything's grey, I'm so depressed' outlook. There were times when a couple of friends would help her see the rainbows again, but it was too easy to sink back into 'my life is a spiral leading to nothing'.

People talk about a song that was a 'turning point' for them, but really, it's not the song but when you hear it, and whether or not you're ready to understand what it's trying to say. I'd heard 'Kimi ni negai wo' hundreds of times before; it's one of my favourite songs of Miyavi's and that was the reason why, when I fled the hospital to go sit in the alleyway and smoke, I chose that song to listen to. But as I sat there, I remembered the lyrics that Shika had translated - not the exact words, but the message. 'You, who have become a star - I'll live your half as well.'

And I thought of all the crap I've put my friends and family through in the years since I was thirteen. Having lately turned 21 at the time, that was far too many years of being self-indulgent and allowing my own shit to not only get me down, but also those around me whom I held dear. It was a bit of a ~moment~, you know? Like, 'wow, that was really selfish of me'. But instead of taking the 'old-me' route of wallowing in self-loathing, I stood up and took the first step down the path that was 'your half as well'.

That's why I smile, and try to be happy and focus on the good things, and be grateful for the amazing people whom I'm lucky enough to have in my life. That's why I want to be helpful and kind, and positive and supportive to other people who are having a crappy time. Because I can, in some way, understand - even though the circumstances are always different, the emotions are remarkably similar, and I want you to know that I am here. I want to do good in the world, even if it's making one person smile, even if it's touching one person's day and making it better, because (brace for cliché) love shared only multiplies, and I want there to be so much love in my life and the lives of those I love (read: you) that it reaches my dad, who is so nearby that I can hear him yet so far away that I can't reach. I want the love and happiness to reach him so that I can say look. I'm living your half now, too. Are you happy? Because I am.

Thank you :) ♥

Date: 2009-12-06 04:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crystallekil.livejournal.com
i love you so much.

Date: 2009-12-06 04:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] itskeitodesu.livejournal.com

Kimi no Negai wo... that song deffinitely helped me out in a lot of hard times. It still does in fact.

I'm glad you've worked hard to become the 'new you' and to be happy, it seems like it was deffinitely worth it. Hopefully I can do the same thing. *hugs again*

Date: 2009-12-06 04:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] impynymph.livejournal.com

You're wonderful <3

Date: 2009-12-06 04:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quinnsan.livejournal.com
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ This is...inspiring, Its made me realize I'm waiting...no looking forward to the day when I take the steps I need to become who I know I can be...I'm not there yet, not by a long shot.

Date: 2009-12-06 04:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] miss-jelly.livejournal.com
this made me all teary-eyed :'>

Date: 2009-12-06 04:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ai-no-himitsu.livejournal.com

This post. I love it.
And I love you~
I'm sorry I haven't really talked to you all that much recently but I hope everything's going well for you and that your elbow is healing nicely :)

Date: 2009-12-06 05:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sanjihan.livejournal.com
I didn't know old you but I like you as you are now. :D *hugs*

Date: 2009-12-06 05:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
You always make me smile. ♥♥♥

Date: 2009-12-06 05:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lineelu2001.livejournal.com
=D I'm just 19 and there'll still be some time until I turn 21 but hopefully, by that age, I may be as mature as you... Still, I <3 you and your mindset~! Keep it going bb!!

Date: 2009-12-06 02:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pipsqueaks.livejournal.com
Ah, age and maturity aren't always linked, huh! After all, there are plenty of 'adults' who act like children, and too many children who have to become older than they are. Still, you know I'm not always a 'mature' type either XD; I like Lin-chan for being 'Lin-chan', so it's all good, regardless. ♥!

Date: 2009-12-06 05:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] operation-idol.livejournal.com
Girl we're like the same person haha. It's all for love. L.O.V.E

Date: 2009-12-06 02:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pipsqueaks.livejournal.com
Ahah, I think you win when it comes to pure undiluted awesomesauce ;D *hugs forever* <3

Date: 2009-12-07 03:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] operation-idol.livejournal.com
Haha oh stop. :3 You're sweeter than candy. *hugzzz*

omgomgomg every time I see that icon I wanna kidnap baby Ueda.

Date: 2009-12-06 05:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ravyn-ashling.livejournal.com
you already know this but... i love you.

Date: 2009-12-06 02:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pipsqueaks.livejournal.com
'n I hope you already know that I love you too. ImageImageImage-ImageImageImage

Date: 2009-12-06 03:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ravyn-ashling.livejournal.com
of course. -

Date: 2009-12-06 05:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] space-sick.livejournal.com
ilu :3
this was really inspiring to read.

Date: 2009-12-06 09:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] drphoenix.livejournal.com

It's beautiful.

Date: 2009-12-06 09:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] changetje.livejournal.com
I really admire you for being so positive ♥♥♥

Date: 2009-12-06 10:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-shock-me-x.livejournal.com
Bb, that was just BEAUTIFUL! ;___; Omp, I cried reading that about your dad coz I feel the exact same about me nanna. *smush* Know I'm always here for you too <3

Date: 2009-12-06 10:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lackofsound.livejournal.com
♥ ♥ ♥ I don't think there are words to express what I'm feeling for you right now, but love covers it fairly well. *squishes* ♥

Date: 2009-12-06 01:21 pm (UTC)

Date: 2009-12-06 02:22 pm (UTC)

Date: 2009-12-06 02:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pincakes.livejournal.com

You. I love you.

That last line really got me. *heartbroken*

Date: 2009-12-06 02:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] l33t-dreams.livejournal.com
God, I love you. I don't have words for how happy I am that we met each other and have been friends all these years. ♥

Date: 2009-12-06 05:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] peculiaritea.livejournal.com
I remember the old you, and I remember being so sad when I lost touch with you, and worried, because I thought it meant something bad had happened, and then being so happy when you found me, and I saw how much you'd changed, completely different, but still the same girl I knew before. ♥

It's a transition I've gone through myself, and I can relate to the feeling of saying goodbye to an old self at a place where the decision was made to step away from the pity party and self-hate and stand up and choose a different perspective. It was very liberating, and I can't even recall when it happened, or the circumstances, but I do know it was in the last three years. I just know I'm much happier, and I feel like I'm a better friend, sister, and daughter because of it.

ilu!! *CLOMP*

Date: 2009-12-06 05:17 pm (UTC)

Date: 2009-12-06 09:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
*rubs face on* ;o; ♥

this in my only ∞ icon ;A;

Date: 2009-12-06 10:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pipsqueaks.livejournal.com
ur icon maek me happeh ;o; *clingsquishrolllll*

Date: 2009-12-06 09:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silentchord.livejournal.com
I love you ♥


Date: 2009-12-07 05:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pipsqueaks.livejournal.com
MANLY HUG TIMES X| *clings to*

I love you too, lots. ;_; ♥

Date: 2009-12-07 08:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sashjun.livejournal.com

Part of me wants to meet the old you so it can somehow be there for "it" just the way you are now here for everyone.

Part of me is very glad, you took the step and Pix I know is smiling and sharing her love!

Both ways I am happy I have met you! I also consider being very lucky because I did so!

Date: 2009-12-09 02:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] myxstorie.livejournal.com
I love you ♥ I didn't know 'Old-you', but I've heard enough from you to know that you've come SUCH a long way since then, and I'm really proud of you - and not in that patronising 'aren't you clever' way, I really am proud of what a wonderful, lovely person you've become in such a short space of time. I'm proud to have someone like you as my friend ♥

Date: 2010-01-13 12:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] liangzhu.livejournal.com
Forgive me for stalking ('tis hyelle, if you don't remember this LJ name - I don't know if you were on LJ when I switched XD), but I was feeling a bit nostalgic and got here in vague convoluted ways from Facebook. Anyways, you have no idea how happy this post makes me. It was so hard (and admittedly often frustrating) to watch you go through the shit that old-you did, and I can't really imagine what it felt like, but I'm glad you've "seen the light," so to speak. I don't mean that in a snotty 'I'm-so-enlightened-and-now-you-are-too' way, but I'm failing at thinking of a better way of putting it. :P The light of positive thinking, I guess. Anyways, this is going to sound way maternal, but I am really proud of you. ♥

Date: 2010-01-13 02:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pipsqueaks.livejournal.com
My goodness, I will confess to feeling relief to see that the content of this comment is so lovely - although since you are and always have been a genuinely nice person, I suppose my concerns were unwarranted XD; (Leaving this post public meant that I did in fact receive a somewhat unfriendly message from someone whom I did not realise held such an interest in my life o_o;)

It's okay, I know what you mean XD; And I appreciate not only the sentiment but also that you took the time to come read this and leave a comment, too. ♥! Thank you :3

Date: 2010-01-13 03:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] liangzhu.livejournal.com
Ah, well, you know that if I did disagree with anything in this post - which I don't! - I wouldn't go out of my way to pick a fight with/insult you. It's sad that someone would. :/

I know we don't really keep in touch anymore (it probably doesn't help that I keep forgetting to sign onto MSN), but that doesn't mean I don't still wonder how you're doing every so often. ;)

Date: 2010-01-13 04:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pipsqueaks.livejournal.com
Yeah, I like to hope that the people who disagree with me won't waste their time telling me that I suck XD;;

Honestly, I'm on gtalk more than MSN in general - do you have my gtalk address? I, too, am not always spectacular about remembering to sign in to other IM services >_>;

Date: 2010-01-13 04:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] liangzhu.livejournal.com
It says way more about them than you, anyways. But I guess there will always be those types. Meh.

I used to, but you don't show up on my list anymore, so maybe not anymore. :P I'm pretty much only on gtalk.

Date: 2010-01-13 04:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pipsqueaks.livejournal.com
I don't? Oh man, I have no idea when the last time we spoke was, then, lol o_o; I'm dino.face.desu@googlemail.com on both MSN and gtalk ♥

Date: 2010-01-14 11:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] liangzhu.livejournal.com
A looong time ago. Perhaps... before you knew who most of Kanjani8 was, and/or around the time it was announced that Ueda was going to be in Romeo and Juliet (or maybe when the show started). Either way. It's been a while. XD

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