uepixie: Ueda and Masami - MousePeace2010 (*penguin ♥)
[personal profile] uepixie
I was going to filter this entry... I even made a special filter for it! Most of the people whom I regularly talk to/comment with were on it anyway, so I thought 'why filter at all?' And then, by the time I finished writing it I realised that it's not even something I feel the need to friends-lock, either.

That said, you don't have to click the cut, obviously! I don't need you to read this in order to validate my existence ;D I just want this written, that's all. ♥

I think of myself as two different people. No, not in the multiple-personality way or anything like that! I mean, 'old-me' and 'new-me'. Whether or not anyone else noticed the difference between old-me and new-me is neither here nor there, but for me as I am right now? Sitting outside Kent & Canterbury Hospital at 3:45am on the morning of August 17th 2008, that's the exact moment when old-me got up and walked down the alleyway, away from the hospital. As far as I'm concerned, I've not been her since.

Old-me, to clarify, was an emo little whiner. To be fair, she had legitimate reasons to be emo, but she surrounded herself with people of a similar mindset (for the most part) who did nothing to dissuade her of the notion that it was perfectly okay to bitch about her shitty life and 'everything's grey, I'm so depressed' outlook. There were times when a couple of friends would help her see the rainbows again, but it was too easy to sink back into 'my life is a spiral leading to nothing'.

People talk about a song that was a 'turning point' for them, but really, it's not the song but when you hear it, and whether or not you're ready to understand what it's trying to say. I'd heard 'Kimi ni negai wo' hundreds of times before; it's one of my favourite songs of Miyavi's and that was the reason why, when I fled the hospital to go sit in the alleyway and smoke, I chose that song to listen to. But as I sat there, I remembered the lyrics that Shika had translated - not the exact words, but the message. 'You, who have become a star - I'll live your half as well.'

And I thought of all the crap I've put my friends and family through in the years since I was thirteen. Having lately turned 21 at the time, that was far too many years of being self-indulgent and allowing my own shit to not only get me down, but also those around me whom I held dear. It was a bit of a ~moment~, you know? Like, 'wow, that was really selfish of me'. But instead of taking the 'old-me' route of wallowing in self-loathing, I stood up and took the first step down the path that was 'your half as well'.

That's why I smile, and try to be happy and focus on the good things, and be grateful for the amazing people whom I'm lucky enough to have in my life. That's why I want to be helpful and kind, and positive and supportive to other people who are having a crappy time. Because I can, in some way, understand - even though the circumstances are always different, the emotions are remarkably similar, and I want you to know that I am here. I want to do good in the world, even if it's making one person smile, even if it's touching one person's day and making it better, because (brace for cliché) love shared only multiplies, and I want there to be so much love in my life and the lives of those I love (read: you) that it reaches my dad, who is so nearby that I can hear him yet so far away that I can't reach. I want the love and happiness to reach him so that I can say look. I'm living your half now, too. Are you happy? Because I am.

Thank you :) ♥
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